Saturday, April 20, 2013

I BLINKED

One's suffering disappears when
one lets oneself go, when one
yields - even to sadness. 

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry


It's been a long week,
one filled with much
sadness and many tears.
 
You would think since I
have been through this
three times before that
it would be easier, but
it's not. Another chapter
has closed in my life and
I wasn't ready.
 
Having one's baby,
and yes, t[he]y will always
be my babies,  leave my
home to begin a new
life out in this big world
came too fast.

I know it was just yesterday
that I was breastfeeding, changing
diapers and wondering if I would
ever get to sleep again or to
have five minutes just for a shower
and then I found myself packing
boxes to move my son to his own
home. 
 
I know he was [is] ready, even if
I'm not, because let's be honest,
I'll never be ready. I would love it
if all my children would live here
forever. Yes, I have the property
so there is enough room for them
all to have homes, but they have
their own lives, their own dreams
to live.
 
I still have one at home, my soon
to be sixteen year old. So I am
going to try to not blink and
hopefully he won't grow up and
leave any time soon,  I don't think
I could handle it.
 


20 comments:

  1. I was thinking about you this week Tracey and wishing I could give you a big hug. It's that darned blinking, it gets us every time. Peace, my friend.

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  2. ((hug)) i have only had to do this once so far and it is so very hard. i too would love for my children to never leave home, but you are right... they have their own dreams and plans and we have to let them go, but let them always know they can come flying home if the need too.

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  3. This must be the hardest thing ever-big hug to you Tracey, I can't even imagine... and I know I am just a few quick years from experiencing this myself. Who ever said letting go was easy- all that love and time together. I hope you get to see them again soon- and one day have a "good return" on grand children :)
    Thinking of you
    xo

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  4. :( I don't think we are ever ready. When my daughter went off to grad school and my son to undergrad I loaded up my activities and lists to be very busy. I know it's not the same as moving out for good since they come home for breaks. The thought of them being hundreds of mikes away makes me sad but I know I have to let go. I've been thinking about you a lot and share your sadness. All of your children that you let go love you and will be visiting you and maybe be bringing in the future lots of grandchildren to fill your aching heart :) been praying for you sweetie!!

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  5. Sending the biggest of hugs to you, Tracey. I can't think too much about my boys leaving home - it makes me so sad that I can't see straight.

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  6. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers....get those needles clicking....:) :)

    The only thing I think I could do is to keep my hands busy..I am sure your son would love something hand-made from mom:)

    Praying that you have a blessed weekend dear friend...

    Hugs....

    ~~Renee

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  7. I can't bear to imagine it. My girl asked me today if she'll be able to live with me when she's a grown up. Gulp. Naturally, instead of telling her that she might not want to, I said yes, of course you can darling.

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  8. Much love to you, Tracey. I try not to think how quickly those days will sneak up on me. xoxo

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  9. oh tracey i'm so glad you wrote about this, let us comfort you. i know blogging about my children leaving the nest helped me tremendously. it's hard for me to believe still, that i have experience now in this department (yes! that blinking!)shaking my head here. can i share a few things that have helped me?

    ~ i cried aLOT, felt all the feelings, and then remembered that this is the best thing as a parent that we could do for our children, given them strength, confidence and independence to venture out on their own.

    ~ looking at empty spaces made my heart hurt more, so after some time passed (bless time), i filled them up. now i have my own room/studio that i love!

    ~ i know my kids won't always pick up their phones or even answer emails right away, but they will almost always reply in a text. it is better than the lottery when i send out 5 'hi's! I LOVE!' and soon my phone lights up x 5!

    ~ i send them stuff. in one of our spare rooms there is always a box (or 4) at the ready. things like recipes (sometimes they call and ask!)or if there is a sale on toothpaste, in the box it goes. yesterday hannah called asking for her volleyball, she and erik, my daughter and son that live in brooklyn (not together), signed up for a beach volleyball league! i looked for a bigger box this morning, and now their volleyballs and beach towels are on the way to them! happy! oh! and you could knit them dishcloths for their new home, they love those dishcloths.

    ~ my kids knew i was having a hard time, but i didn't want them to have me to worry about, they do worry about us too. eventually (time is a blessing) it does get easier. remembering this is part of growing.

    there is so much more (get into nature, meet friends, knit!...) just knowing you are not alone is the best. and once in a while, those babies of ours, they do come back home. hugs and much love, lori

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  10. sending you some love at this time, I'm sure it can't be easy xx

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  11. Big huge enveloping hugs to you mama... It's never easy to watch them grow, even though in our hearts, it's one of the things we want most. I'm sure he will fly free and strong... and your willingness to let him go in his own time will bring him back sooner and more often. Blessings, dear one, be gentle with your self in this time of sadness and excitement.

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  12. Tracey - Hugs to you today. I totally understand since I have only one left at home as well. I have heard it said that the truly successful parent works herself right out of a job, so by that measure, you are a wonderful and successful mom. No matter what season of life, what a blessing it is to be a mother!

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  13. I'm sorry!! It's one of those milestones isn't it? Our most recent milestone is the purchase of a toddler bed. Bye bye crib. I know it's not the same, but it gives me a glimpse of what you're going through.

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  14. I am so sorry Tracey! This must be very hard. I am thinking of you and thank you for reminding me to savour each moment with my little and not so little ones:)
    Love
    Linda

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  15. Oh I do understand beleive me. And I agree with all that Lori said. My three have left many years ago now. sometimes they come back to stay for a while and other times just to visit. Everytime is soooo good and then the leaving hurts again. I am rminded of something said to me when my eldest was still a baby. Her children had left the nest and she was so proud of them and herself for raising such independant, strong creative children. That's what our job's all about after all, she said. I have always remembered that.I would love my children to come and live here on the farm but then they'd be living my life so they need to go out and find themselves and then one day they may come back and take over the farm for the grandkids!Lots and lots of hugs sent to you dear Tracey.

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  16. I think this was the hardest thing about motherhood....knowing that you bring them into the world to let them go.

    Last year I watched our mother robin literally throw her babes out of the nest.....and I thought---HOW COULD YOU!??? But I watched them take their first wobbly flight....hop around just a bit.....and then off they flew. New adventures for all.

    Luckily for our kids----"home" is never far away; even though they may be miles and miles away they will always be close in our hearts!

    Love you. New adventures for them. New adventures for you, too!

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  17. Oh poor Tracey, I can empathise so much. I know it's the hardest thing. Like the first day at school. Hannah wasn't home schooled but didn't go to kindergarten, just proper primary school. We had lovely times together in those early pre-school years reading and making things, models, trips to the library and museums,planting seeds and baking. The first day she started school, I came home and scrubbed my cooker with tears running down my face. The worst bit was she was crying for me as I left. The head teacher took her from me and made me go. Of course she loved school and was soon playing at being "Miss Brookes" her form teacher.

    Now graduated she's back home for a while. Ahmad and I after four years with her away from home had just about got into a new rhythm of life when she returned. Now I try to cherish every moment, even the difficult ones because I know she'll soon be leaving the nest for good. How ever far away she is, even when travelling, sailing on a lake in Nepal she was able to text and share the moment with us. It's amazing how technology can bring her closer...not the same as in the flesh but the next best thing.

    I love Lori's ideas...I was always sending Hannah food parcels with her favourite muffins or rocky road and little treats when she first moved out. They never forget the bond that we have built.

    It's time for our adventure now. I hope that it's a good one.

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  18. It always seems like yesterday they were held in your arms, yeah? I miss my girls if they even just spend one night at my mom's altho I love the peace and quiet as well. I hope you hear often from your son. Hugs.

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  19. I really have some catching up to do here!!
    I can't believe I've missed so many posts.
    All I can say is, I love how much you love your kids. And you know what? You're going to be busy up to your ears with grandkids someday....
    XO

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